This Is What We Call A Tricky Situation
by Ivy-Parker
Summary: I hate pirates. Always have done, always will do. I am happy with my house, my home and my husband, even if he snores. I have no desires to change my life. Which is tricky when people are forcing that to happen to me.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so I'm writing a POTC fanfic. The reason why is because I was reading some the other day, and they were all about girls who were desperate to be free, and escape the confines of marriage... blah, blah, blah. When the truth is, they just fancy Johnny Depp (But, to be honest, who doesn't?!)

So, this is my story.

My character is not based on me. She is quite the opposite. My character is happy with her marriage. She is my character. She is not a Mary sue.

Oh, and is the guy version of a Mary- Sue a Gary-Stu? I can never remember.

* * *

"Are you enjoying yourself darling?" My husband asked me, stroking my hand.

"Yes, I am"

"There's nothing better than watching a Pirate go down. Literally" He smiled, looking at the stand were the man was just about to be hung.

"Yes" I replied.

"Dirty, disgusting pigs made by the devil" He glared at the man who was waiting for his death "Dispicable"

My name is Victoria. My husband works in the navy, meaning that we are often moving in order for him to live an easier life.

We are currently watching a hanging, where my husband gets his joys, personally I find them dull and grotesque.

"HANG, HANG, HANG!" My husband screamed maniacally.

"That IS the point" I muttered.

"And so, this man is to be brought to death, by a hanging" The man reading out the scroll thing said.

"NOT SO FAST!!" A man shouted from behind us.

"It's another pirate!!" A man screamed, pointing out the obvious.

"DOUBLE HANGING!!" My husband shouted with glee, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!" He looked at me "Err... AFTER MY WEDDING!!"

Liar.

The pirate stared at him, and continued to walk around the square, poking his gun at anyone who stepped near him "Let the other pirate down!!" He yelled.

"The army shall be here soon, and then you'll be dead!" A man yelled.

"So will you!" The pirate laughed "Gibbs!!" He yelled to the pirate about to be hung "Get over here!!"

Someone let the other pirate down, he waddled over to the hijacker of the event "Thanks"

"Now!" Main pirate shouted, waving around his gun "I shall now DISAPPEAR!!" He stood there for a moment and then stamped on the ground "THE SECOND I REMEMBER WHERE THE TRAP DOOR IS!!"

"THE ARMY'S HERE!!" Someone shouted.

"Damn!" The pirate grabbed someone and held a gun to her head "This is now a hostage situation!" The girl screamed.

Wait.

That girl is me.

"ARGH!!" I screamed louder.

"STOP!!" The pirate yelled "BEING DEAF IS NOT AN OPTION IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS!!"

"THAT'S MY WIFE!!" My husband yelled.

"Really?" The pirate blinked at me "You married a man who gets happy off of people being hung?"

"Like alcohol to an alcoholic" I shrugged.

"Freak" He muttered.

"You're getting rather off topic here!"

"Oh..." The pirate paused, as if he was remembering "OH! RIGHT! BACK OFF, OR THE LADY DIES!!" He shouted "It's best if you scream at this point, more terror is better" He muttered to me.

"My apologies" I said "ARGGGGGHHHHH!! HELPP!!"

"You're doing brilliant" The man said "Have you done this before?"

* * *

That's my first chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.

Please R&R, no flames please XD


	2. Chapter 2

Ya-dizzle!! (My odd way of saying Hello)

Anyways, this is the next chapter of my story, which I was meaning to update sooner but... I was lazy and randomly got into watching Desperate Housewives. Don't ask, just don't ask...

* * *

"Sparrow? Can I ask you a question?"

"Yup"

"Why is there a woman with us. More importantly, why is there a woman with us who actually smells like she's had a bath?"

"Good question Gibbs... Good question..."

I rolled my eyes (impolite, I know. But this is neither the time nor place)

"Nearly there my darling" The main pirate said, directing the statement to me.

This did not reassure me.

We turned the corner,the main pirate stopped and smiled proudly "TA-DAAAAAA!!"

It's a dingy.

It's a flooded dingy.

It's a flooded dingy stuffed to the brim with rum.

"Is this used as some sort of device in order to get us to the ship?" I asked. Both pirates shook their heads.

"Well, actually... We had...Difficulties with the last ship..." The main pirate looked as if he was about to cry.

"What? Was it a bad ship?"

"NO!!" He screamed "It got... Got..." He burst into tears.

"Jack doesn't like to talk about it" The shorter, fatter pirate said, patting him on the back.

"SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!" Jack sobbed. The other pirate started to cradle him.

"Oh..." I nodded.

This is my chance.

"ESCAAAAAAAPE!!" I screamed, making some sort of warped attempt to run away.

"NOOOOO!!" Jack yelled "WE NEED TO USE HER FOR BLACKMAIL!!"

"AFTER THE POSH LADY WHO CAN'T RUN PROPERLY!!" The other pirate yelled.

I could hear them both running after me.

DAMN!! (First ever time I've used that word) Why did I decide to wear the most uncomfortable shoes of all time on this ONE day?!

I turned the corner, where a drunk vagrant was being sick onto the pavement, I screamed and turned around.

"GOTCHA!!" Jack screamed, grabbing onto me "THANK GOD FOR WOMEN'S HEELS!!"

"NOOOO!!" I yelled, "I CAN'T GET ONTO... ONTO... THAT HELLISH PLANK OF WOOD THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED TO CALL A BOAT!!"

"DO NOT INSULT THE MINI PEARL!!" Jack snapped, dragging me back to the dingy.

"Stop struggling!!" The fatter pirate said, trying to grab onto my kicking legs "We'll put down some paper or something, okay?!"

* * *

If there is such a thing as hell. This is it.

The "boat" is disgusting, and the two pirates are now drunk, and attempting- and failing, to row it.

"Does anybody actually know where we are planning to go?" I said, holding a hankie to my nose (They smelled)

"If we knew that, my darling..." Jack said, leaning towards me "We would be even drunker by now" He flopped forwards.

He flopped forwards, and fell asleep onto my lap.

"Momma" He mumbled, sucking his thumb, "Momma"

* * *

La TA DAAAAAAA...

That's the next chapter.

I noticed how in several stories, Jack had the Pearl back, and it could at least do with some explaining as to how he got it back, even if it was just a sentence or two. But in this one he doesn't have it back yet. (and he's named the dingy the Mini pearl)

Please R&R


End file.
